Growth

The long awaited first post. Everytime i think of posting now three things come into mind. The first is how i feel right before i posting. Its the completely clearly of body and mind as the thoughts are emptied out into the paper, and for as long as i can type, my mind and body is released from any of these burdens. The second is the feeling after, which is negative. Its the feeling that ive just evaluated myself therefore i need to change. Its the effects written words have on me, which are always so much more powerful than they should be. So much for sticks and stones huh? Any change for me via blog is usually bad because it leaves me in a confused state because these changes did not happen naturally, they happen like every other lesson in my life, dramaticly and out of my body and mind, as if its a lesson taught by someone else instead of something i naturally learned. Its unfimilar, and distant to me but somehow the most personal thing i can ever produce. The third is during, which is the most fluid feeling. Such as now i feel as if im talking to someone, but its unlike any person in my life. Now that ive tried journaling and failing quite a bit ive realized i missed the hypothetical audience that sits there quietly and reads my thoughts without a response...This drives me to think im losing the alpha confidence i once had when i first made this blog.

As i stare at my tattoo, and stare at it some more..and share it more..Its ironic to find that im going in circles without noticing. This tree...whether irs growing or not...its dead. Theres no leaves.. Theres no happy sun. Its dark. But under the cover of what was me for the happiest period of my life, naive from understanding and subconscious. I believe i was driven towards this tree because its so...yang. In the end its so dark. No matter how positive i am, im still fascinated not by the object but memorized by the ambiguous nature of the shadow which the object creates. That is one way to see the positive from negative.

Let me elaborate on the happiest period of my life. There was a period inbetween my last blog and this post where i refused to blog, and refused to think of anything besides whats in front of me. For some reason ive been itching to blog and going in late to work, not feeling actually like a part of the team, and having back to back arguments with a significant other has clouded clarity. It was only a matter of time. Ill fix everything.

Along with my lack of stress i was able to feel growth externally through experience without the mind. I was living a dramafree life. andd i lost my zen lol TTYL! fun post though...must finish.

Shall we begin?

There is so much to say! but i apparently cant write a new blog, ive been journalling instead and looking at my awesome writing before. I wonder why.. I wanted to write so much but now it all escapes me.