Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
The fight goes on
The last post, brought up the daunting question of my purpose, and what im living for. I honestly haven't answered that question before, but I constantly go back to moments in my past that I can grasp as pure from time. Through songs, shows, places, people. If I was going through a chapter of my life while being exposed to that person place or thing then my mental state is fossilized into its very existence. When something of somewhere is comfortable enough for me to continue going back to and dumping my emotional state in, then it becomes somewhat an archive for my past, an emotional archive. For example, watching the show fullmetal alchemist embodies thoughts, emotions, and mental states I was in from 04 to perhaps even 09. Other things such as music from atreyu or places like the waterfront where my soul has cried once, call me emotional I don't give a shit but its poetic. What this process does to such a..thing...which is really all it is to anyone else..just something...somewhere.
As you all know, I have terrible memory for a reason, which was one of the many reasons why I continued blogging, through all the drama it has caused me. From people I showed to the mental breakdowns ive had just rereading past blogs ive had..in the past when I first began growing. The transition allowed me to collectively become the one fluid being I am today. This blog...all the other blogs without reading all the post or any of the post just looking at the wallpaper, sitting in front of the white screen-before I begin to type- as I see te title above, A flash of who typed here as well fills me up. Its a personality, an essence.
Sometimes, just sometimes, depending on which period of my life im in, by looking back on the right parts of my past, I relearn something I have already learned but incorporate it with what I know. These remarkable moments are what stray me away from religion.
Tonight, just watching half an episode of fullmetal alchemist...I was watching the show..but I was also feeling everything I felt back then, as if it was speaking directly to my heart, telling me what I used to think, and how I felt..ive watched it and rewatched it many times in the past, as if I was going back in time everytime but at h same time writing history. Its an unexplainable feeling.. leaving such a juvenile thing be because I thought it was something now of my past. And when I mean past I mean I went back on those emotions with new emotions and made something new so many times that the only way to make something else was to incorporate something entirely new. So watching it now, as if it was the past 6 years and yet, yesterday, its a very moving sensation hat cannot be explained by anyone.
I felt hope. Hope that my life will be better with no hesitation or doubt whatsoever. I felt determination. Determination to make a brighter future as if I was sure to have only one chance left. I felt, overwhelming power within self. as I connected to this series, that all I simply did was watch during random periods of my life that were most stressful. I saw the me and the reason why im most of the person I am today. Being the person I am today is indeed completely different but that hope..and determination and confidence all came from a time that only fma captured. Im closer to finding my purpose now, its not much, but when I find something in my life that will give me the same feeling as I got tonight I will know that that's what I need to go for.
Its a certain feeling of love, that I showed myself many years ago. The type of love I give to different people places and things in my life, collectively show me what is the nxt step I need to take and which is right for me. Honestly I felt love when I was watching the series, weird isn't it? I felt chemistry, that was out o this world. Not the type of chemistry that is blind and bold like with any female, but acute and spoke directly to me. Ilovemyself, truly, through and through...and it isn't until this moment where ive realized that the quote "In order to love another, you must first love yourself" sinks soo deep. I don't think its possible to ever find someone I love as much as I love myself. I feel like all my collective efforts have finally paid off, taking two steps forward and one step back everytime made me to progress slow but I knew that it paid off everytime I look back at myself and relearn something. This personal enlightenment has allowed me to really see who I am and appreciate it. and this post is just to commemorate..how awesome I am. Damn, you sexy motherfucker. Maybe one day someone can speak to your heart like you can with your past self..the simple twitch of the eye or flick of the hair to mean the world...I don't think that will be ever possible but that's how I feel about myself and I wish, quite frankly, that I would treat the ones I love better, meaning myself especially. Thomas, for everything you've been through and how you handled it, you truly deserve the best.
As you all know, I have terrible memory for a reason, which was one of the many reasons why I continued blogging, through all the drama it has caused me. From people I showed to the mental breakdowns ive had just rereading past blogs ive had..in the past when I first began growing. The transition allowed me to collectively become the one fluid being I am today. This blog...all the other blogs without reading all the post or any of the post just looking at the wallpaper, sitting in front of the white screen-before I begin to type- as I see te title above, A flash of who typed here as well fills me up. Its a personality, an essence.
Sometimes, just sometimes, depending on which period of my life im in, by looking back on the right parts of my past, I relearn something I have already learned but incorporate it with what I know. These remarkable moments are what stray me away from religion.
Tonight, just watching half an episode of fullmetal alchemist...I was watching the show..but I was also feeling everything I felt back then, as if it was speaking directly to my heart, telling me what I used to think, and how I felt..ive watched it and rewatched it many times in the past, as if I was going back in time everytime but at h same time writing history. Its an unexplainable feeling.. leaving such a juvenile thing be because I thought it was something now of my past. And when I mean past I mean I went back on those emotions with new emotions and made something new so many times that the only way to make something else was to incorporate something entirely new. So watching it now, as if it was the past 6 years and yet, yesterday, its a very moving sensation hat cannot be explained by anyone.
I felt hope. Hope that my life will be better with no hesitation or doubt whatsoever. I felt determination. Determination to make a brighter future as if I was sure to have only one chance left. I felt, overwhelming power within self. as I connected to this series, that all I simply did was watch during random periods of my life that were most stressful. I saw the me and the reason why im most of the person I am today. Being the person I am today is indeed completely different but that hope..and determination and confidence all came from a time that only fma captured. Im closer to finding my purpose now, its not much, but when I find something in my life that will give me the same feeling as I got tonight I will know that that's what I need to go for.
Its a certain feeling of love, that I showed myself many years ago. The type of love I give to different people places and things in my life, collectively show me what is the nxt step I need to take and which is right for me. Honestly I felt love when I was watching the series, weird isn't it? I felt chemistry, that was out o this world. Not the type of chemistry that is blind and bold like with any female, but acute and spoke directly to me. Ilovemyself, truly, through and through...and it isn't until this moment where ive realized that the quote "In order to love another, you must first love yourself" sinks soo deep. I don't think its possible to ever find someone I love as much as I love myself. I feel like all my collective efforts have finally paid off, taking two steps forward and one step back everytime made me to progress slow but I knew that it paid off everytime I look back at myself and relearn something. This personal enlightenment has allowed me to really see who I am and appreciate it. and this post is just to commemorate..how awesome I am. Damn, you sexy motherfucker. Maybe one day someone can speak to your heart like you can with your past self..the simple twitch of the eye or flick of the hair to mean the world...I don't think that will be ever possible but that's how I feel about myself and I wish, quite frankly, that I would treat the ones I love better, meaning myself especially. Thomas, for everything you've been through and how you handled it, you truly deserve the best.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
darwinism
Hello sgain blog of 3am, we seem to have this very interesting bond, haha. I've been lacking sleep lately, functioning on only couple or several hours of sleep, thinking. Or trying to think but enjoying my empty mind now, sounds like something my present self would be grateful for. haha but I just had a royal epiphany that literally had me sit up in bed and begin typing. Who am I. I can finally grasp it and understand the person I am. Through my past, through my recent encounters from people of my past and very interesting conversations with sam trang and I together. Three minds that think entirely independently and more than welcome to ask why..and last but not least the characters im most drawn to today as idols: ironman, rick grimmes from the walking dead, and Frank Underwood from house of cards.
Lets hit each of these points one by one and ill show you how my mind connected the dots in a snap and made me jump out of my bed, this is going to be interesting.
First will be my past. If you don't know my past, before this blog then just give up, you don't know me so ill tell you. lol. There was once a man that first endured because he needed to, then he became a man that wanted to then after he didn't need to endure anymore he misses it. This concept, viewing in from a third person perspective created a man that created a reason, to endure. Which is truly the basis behind the man ive become. Just the simple notion that the stress, whatever stress I endured, its not about it. Its the result of it, and the result of such intense stress should have gave me a giant hint when it comes to understanding the person I am.(mind you I did take into account how interesting it is for me to react to stress the way I did, if this was a book itd consider it amazing characterization) Well, I was never looking for the answer adamantly until recently when I needed a reason, a way to predict myself and my mistakes and my movements, to take everything and embody it, In something so complex yet simple that it will solve everything. In my first blog, R0SE5, this concept would be better described as essences, to define a person and their being not completely but perfectly in your own context, many would call that a vibe. But in many ways a vibe is ambiguous and well, like I sad before, defined in your own context. No, an essence, grasping it feels a lot like when you completely understand a formula, or a math equation for the first time. The complete understanding of how to define it and derive it as well as manipulate it to become anything in one very moment. That very moment empowers me to take moments much like that one to combine it with others and define the being I am today in the most simple way. And this very skill I use to understand and meticulously articulate the solution at hand can only come from a man that has endured far more than yours can conceive, of course, humbly.
Now the people in my past consisted of several: Emily, Thomas, moses, my girl, and in one way shape or form; everyone else in my life. This includes sam and trang as well especially, Because as we were discussing just matters of the mind and just, how the world works. We began with discussions such as what is the difference between friends and acquaintances? How could you take philosophy and use it in a practical sense to discuss the most fundamental parts of human social construct that many people would just simply do? That is the difference between me, sam, and trang and the rest of the world, so I feel. We can openly antagonize the world we live in without being burdened and feeling as if the questions are too grand for understanding, because nothing is, once you choose to live with a open mind. We then got into understanding the different people that are around us in a group that's been existing since I first got to northeastern. That come and sit around me everyday at the same table without a need to ask if a seat is open. Friends, acquaintances, whatever I would choose to define them as, and in no way should you feel to take that offensively, because I feel as if I learned more about them because of the same technique I was using earlier and emboding people into an essence...a type of person. While in this conversation sam brought up the interesting idea that he hates when people embodies him into anything by saying "oh that's sam" or "that's such a sam thing to do". He said its because once hes been defined then regardless of the type of person he is, it will always be just sam, theres no progress seen or changes made and theres no surprise. I used tht and reflected upon myself and kinda laughed, because this is exactly why I wrote the blogpost before titled adaptation. (I think I also knew subconsciously that when I could find a way to define myself It still wouldn't help anyone else understand exactly who I am except for me) By adapting to any environment I can never feel as if im any one person. Its the exact conversation ive had with sam before. Me and him are so analytical and reasonable we can evaluate the situation a hand very quickly and adapt, I much more than him I guess due to the social skills that ive claimed over the pass years. So from there I got another hint, but the funny thing is we were left in a whirlwind of confusion of defining who we are and what we want due to the reasoning in this very discussion of adaption. One cant be anyone if they understand anything and mold into it.
Last but not least, the actor's characters im drawn to, the people that's sole job is to embody an essence of a fictional being and displaying characteristics that are not just in the script. Im honestly not interested in the acting skill persay, (though I am very impressed by each of them) theyre characters are all similar in one way. And after watching house of cards all night, its when the epiphany hit me lol. The B student might watch all these shows and understand each of these characters as leaders, dominate figures and yes, that is what comes with the package. But the thing that ties me and all these characters together is the idea that were all survivors. We are obsessed about life and we feel like were constantly in the gap of life and death. So passionate to the point where some things may come off as completely reckless to viewers but no, were still on our own turf. Its interesting when you look at it from that perspective then sit back and see each characters life, then mine, and how we all are so desperately trying to keep out neck out of the water but doing so like scientist deeply focusing on a dissected creature. But yet, we all do it in our own ways. The only difference between me and all these characters is they have found theyre purpose, that's how they became the character they are and fight for the lives they want. I am just high on understanding life itself, there is no purpose and no calling for me yet. everything and everyone is a pattern and a riddle.
This idea that im a survivor would explain my recklessness, my usage of knowledge and need to understand my surroundings at all times, my adeptness in adaptation and socializing, and lastly, the need for a moment to myself. If a man always feels like hes fighting against some current he needs a moment or two to himself every so often. I feel like with these skills under my belt I can succeed any battle or storm except for my own. but now the real question that keeps me up at night is, Whats my battle?
Lets hit each of these points one by one and ill show you how my mind connected the dots in a snap and made me jump out of my bed, this is going to be interesting.
First will be my past. If you don't know my past, before this blog then just give up, you don't know me so ill tell you. lol. There was once a man that first endured because he needed to, then he became a man that wanted to then after he didn't need to endure anymore he misses it. This concept, viewing in from a third person perspective created a man that created a reason, to endure. Which is truly the basis behind the man ive become. Just the simple notion that the stress, whatever stress I endured, its not about it. Its the result of it, and the result of such intense stress should have gave me a giant hint when it comes to understanding the person I am.(mind you I did take into account how interesting it is for me to react to stress the way I did, if this was a book itd consider it amazing characterization) Well, I was never looking for the answer adamantly until recently when I needed a reason, a way to predict myself and my mistakes and my movements, to take everything and embody it, In something so complex yet simple that it will solve everything. In my first blog, R0SE5, this concept would be better described as essences, to define a person and their being not completely but perfectly in your own context, many would call that a vibe. But in many ways a vibe is ambiguous and well, like I sad before, defined in your own context. No, an essence, grasping it feels a lot like when you completely understand a formula, or a math equation for the first time. The complete understanding of how to define it and derive it as well as manipulate it to become anything in one very moment. That very moment empowers me to take moments much like that one to combine it with others and define the being I am today in the most simple way. And this very skill I use to understand and meticulously articulate the solution at hand can only come from a man that has endured far more than yours can conceive, of course, humbly.
Now the people in my past consisted of several: Emily, Thomas, moses, my girl, and in one way shape or form; everyone else in my life. This includes sam and trang as well especially, Because as we were discussing just matters of the mind and just, how the world works. We began with discussions such as what is the difference between friends and acquaintances? How could you take philosophy and use it in a practical sense to discuss the most fundamental parts of human social construct that many people would just simply do? That is the difference between me, sam, and trang and the rest of the world, so I feel. We can openly antagonize the world we live in without being burdened and feeling as if the questions are too grand for understanding, because nothing is, once you choose to live with a open mind. We then got into understanding the different people that are around us in a group that's been existing since I first got to northeastern. That come and sit around me everyday at the same table without a need to ask if a seat is open. Friends, acquaintances, whatever I would choose to define them as, and in no way should you feel to take that offensively, because I feel as if I learned more about them because of the same technique I was using earlier and emboding people into an essence...a type of person. While in this conversation sam brought up the interesting idea that he hates when people embodies him into anything by saying "oh that's sam" or "that's such a sam thing to do". He said its because once hes been defined then regardless of the type of person he is, it will always be just sam, theres no progress seen or changes made and theres no surprise. I used tht and reflected upon myself and kinda laughed, because this is exactly why I wrote the blogpost before titled adaptation. (I think I also knew subconsciously that when I could find a way to define myself It still wouldn't help anyone else understand exactly who I am except for me) By adapting to any environment I can never feel as if im any one person. Its the exact conversation ive had with sam before. Me and him are so analytical and reasonable we can evaluate the situation a hand very quickly and adapt, I much more than him I guess due to the social skills that ive claimed over the pass years. So from there I got another hint, but the funny thing is we were left in a whirlwind of confusion of defining who we are and what we want due to the reasoning in this very discussion of adaption. One cant be anyone if they understand anything and mold into it.
Last but not least, the actor's characters im drawn to, the people that's sole job is to embody an essence of a fictional being and displaying characteristics that are not just in the script. Im honestly not interested in the acting skill persay, (though I am very impressed by each of them) theyre characters are all similar in one way. And after watching house of cards all night, its when the epiphany hit me lol. The B student might watch all these shows and understand each of these characters as leaders, dominate figures and yes, that is what comes with the package. But the thing that ties me and all these characters together is the idea that were all survivors. We are obsessed about life and we feel like were constantly in the gap of life and death. So passionate to the point where some things may come off as completely reckless to viewers but no, were still on our own turf. Its interesting when you look at it from that perspective then sit back and see each characters life, then mine, and how we all are so desperately trying to keep out neck out of the water but doing so like scientist deeply focusing on a dissected creature. But yet, we all do it in our own ways. The only difference between me and all these characters is they have found theyre purpose, that's how they became the character they are and fight for the lives they want. I am just high on understanding life itself, there is no purpose and no calling for me yet. everything and everyone is a pattern and a riddle.
This idea that im a survivor would explain my recklessness, my usage of knowledge and need to understand my surroundings at all times, my adeptness in adaptation and socializing, and lastly, the need for a moment to myself. If a man always feels like hes fighting against some current he needs a moment or two to himself every so often. I feel like with these skills under my belt I can succeed any battle or storm except for my own. but now the real question that keeps me up at night is, Whats my battle?
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Happy new years!/ my existance
Okay, so shit this has been a long overdue blog post but hello self. This is your space cadet speaking, we are stable in orbit. Haha I need to get my shit together! It feels great to read past post thought! Its so revitalizing and motivating because its like, hey! That was me exactly a year ago!... oh...I was in a world of shit. Haha no kidding right? Well good news is I went back to my old new years post and saw my resolutions...and its funny how I could say I fixed 3 or 4 of them out of 7 NOT BAD TOM not bad Obama face. Haha well, I ay 3 or 4 cause I can't quite say that I fixed my sleeping schedule cause well..here I am! 6 in the morning with work at noon. Fml lol.but I have fixed my sleeping schedule. I haven't been late to work in a really long time. Sure not energized every single time, but I'm there and I wake up and it feels great. Cause I sleep too! Haha other new years resolutions I've achieved is well, of course getting a gf, happily together for omg! Almost 6 months! And that would make it 10 months actually if you include the intense dating for 4 months...not bad Thomas not bad. Then I kept my head up...matter of fact I'm more confident about who I am than I've ever been in my life, freaking awesome. And last but certainly not least, is well, Thomas from a year ago, I do not think about death anymore so give yourself a pat on the back. Haha
Essentially I really grew mentally and inward, typical me. I'm still trying to figure out if I was even in school a year ago...I'd be really disappointed in myself if I wasn't.. but yeah fick Thomas before we catch up let's create a new time capsule shall we? It seems like 7 isn't a hard number of objectives so let's goo...
1) GET BACK IM SCHOOL. I swear if you even think about staying out of school for any longer I will hurt you...seriously you will read this in a year and it will hurt. So go! Stern face#
2) Work on your hygiene. I want to see teeth whitener, no more self consciousness about bad breath bad Bo or dandruff, I know I tend to cycle through the three. What?.. I sleep in a bedroom that barely fits two beds and I literally have to reach through a crack of a door in order to access my clothes in my closet. My room is a mancave.
3) Get my freakin license. Its not that hard and you know how to drive.
Edit::
Hello febuary! exactly one week ago febuary 25th I got my first tattoo. I hope you like it!, future Thomas aha. I've been trying to move forward from my last blogpost and its been hard because im stuck in a predicament that has me going in circles in my head. Apparently, my life tends to throw more complex drama at me than anyone else since im far beyond social drama....idk. But I need to only pick between two if I intend to move forward. work, relationship, and school is too much...but im not ready to make that decision yet, I don't think ahyone in my shoes would be ready to make that decision yet because school isn't just that simple, im not learning anything there..its night classes and I still owe 3 grand so, ima take my fucking sweet time.
I had more new years resolutions when I first stat=rted writing, its unfortunate that I forgot what I was going to write. I've been trying to force myself to write this whole month because I was oozing with ideas and the palet that was half eaten of inspiration. I realized blogging for me is like drinking water. My life is a maze and the only way I can leave bread crumbs to understand what would be the best way to approach things is by my blog. Looking back at who I was is no longer a burden, I don't think its been for a while now. Its just very educational and I really appreciate that. Theres not many ways for me to know who I am because everything around me is so disposable... people.. places.. memories.. pictures. When you look at it like that life gets rather depressing so instead im going o just say im going to fall back on one thing that I know to be true and that's me who I am or who I think I am.
Which brings me to the idea of distance. For the past several days ive been feeling very distant. Its not so much me being distant but me needing to be distant, and feeling distant anyways because I haven't given myself the proper time for that. It was me screaming that I need distance. I have a petpev that embodies exactly this thought. I understand why its bad that I have this petpev because when I crave for distance I crave to see everything as separate from myself, it provides a feeling of safety that can never be found anywhere, the understanding that the world around you is the chess game you play but the knowledge you obtain and the skills you aquire in head, that can never be taken away. And for me to feel that I need distance is exactly what I need during a crisis like this one, but even the slightest bit of ntervertedness I feel is wrong because I need to be one with my surroundings.
Such complexities cannot be understood by one whom has not yet tried to remove themselves. Its a feeling of confidence and it refines the character, like a establishment that they have become who they are whether or not there are any future influences, its a moment to save and progress.
Anywho what else is new, I need to have a drink. but my life has been pretty solid. im going to be living alone soon. im not sure how I feel about that anymore.
Im trying to leave this blog to be as open as possible so I can continue blogging again for next time but at the same time, finally present some closure to the past dramatic post.
lets end it here.
Essentially I really grew mentally and inward, typical me. I'm still trying to figure out if I was even in school a year ago...I'd be really disappointed in myself if I wasn't.. but yeah fick Thomas before we catch up let's create a new time capsule shall we? It seems like 7 isn't a hard number of objectives so let's goo...
1) GET BACK IM SCHOOL. I swear if you even think about staying out of school for any longer I will hurt you...seriously you will read this in a year and it will hurt. So go! Stern face#
2) Work on your hygiene. I want to see teeth whitener, no more self consciousness about bad breath bad Bo or dandruff, I know I tend to cycle through the three. What?.. I sleep in a bedroom that barely fits two beds and I literally have to reach through a crack of a door in order to access my clothes in my closet. My room is a mancave.
3) Get my freakin license. Its not that hard and you know how to drive.
Edit::
Hello febuary! exactly one week ago febuary 25th I got my first tattoo. I hope you like it!, future Thomas aha. I've been trying to move forward from my last blogpost and its been hard because im stuck in a predicament that has me going in circles in my head. Apparently, my life tends to throw more complex drama at me than anyone else since im far beyond social drama....idk. But I need to only pick between two if I intend to move forward. work, relationship, and school is too much...but im not ready to make that decision yet, I don't think ahyone in my shoes would be ready to make that decision yet because school isn't just that simple, im not learning anything there..its night classes and I still owe 3 grand so, ima take my fucking sweet time.
I had more new years resolutions when I first stat=rted writing, its unfortunate that I forgot what I was going to write. I've been trying to force myself to write this whole month because I was oozing with ideas and the palet that was half eaten of inspiration. I realized blogging for me is like drinking water. My life is a maze and the only way I can leave bread crumbs to understand what would be the best way to approach things is by my blog. Looking back at who I was is no longer a burden, I don't think its been for a while now. Its just very educational and I really appreciate that. Theres not many ways for me to know who I am because everything around me is so disposable... people.. places.. memories.. pictures. When you look at it like that life gets rather depressing so instead im going o just say im going to fall back on one thing that I know to be true and that's me who I am or who I think I am.
Which brings me to the idea of distance. For the past several days ive been feeling very distant. Its not so much me being distant but me needing to be distant, and feeling distant anyways because I haven't given myself the proper time for that. It was me screaming that I need distance. I have a petpev that embodies exactly this thought. I understand why its bad that I have this petpev because when I crave for distance I crave to see everything as separate from myself, it provides a feeling of safety that can never be found anywhere, the understanding that the world around you is the chess game you play but the knowledge you obtain and the skills you aquire in head, that can never be taken away. And for me to feel that I need distance is exactly what I need during a crisis like this one, but even the slightest bit of ntervertedness I feel is wrong because I need to be one with my surroundings.
Such complexities cannot be understood by one whom has not yet tried to remove themselves. Its a feeling of confidence and it refines the character, like a establishment that they have become who they are whether or not there are any future influences, its a moment to save and progress.
Anywho what else is new, I need to have a drink. but my life has been pretty solid. im going to be living alone soon. im not sure how I feel about that anymore.
Im trying to leave this blog to be as open as possible so I can continue blogging again for next time but at the same time, finally present some closure to the past dramatic post.
lets end it here.
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