The feeling

Im so conflicted by inner thoughts i cant put in words..i cant tell anybody about..

I feel like im so old now..laughing at the thought that i try to meditate now..when i probably wasnt even 2 years ago the last time i actually did. I laugh because i look back at it like an escape, like a drug addict that misses the feeling of an addiction which brought complete satisfaction. But like the drug, everytime i try now i see it for what terrible things its done to my life. Its sad that something so wonderful was tainted by the miseries of my life.

Ive been trying to go to the waterfront more now or write in my journal but ive lost the will to. My head gets full of contradicting thoughts that i cant properly depict. I told you about how meditating is bad but should i now tell you about my good experiences with it recently because of my thirst for it? No, that does me no good.

this feeling of stress, is another chapter in my life. Whether ir increased due to my several attempts to meditate in the past several weeks or because of just life idk..but tonight im feeling the familiar burden that used to rest on my shoulders.

Lets shift gears away though to another more happy feeling. This feeling is the feeling i havent been grateful for. Its the feeling that i wrote about in my last post in truthofkings...well supposeably last. Its the feeling of love. The feeling that ties life together for me and allows me to see my life in more of a flow than a moment to moment progression. Ive grateful for even the most simple things such as never needing to ever stop before crossing the street anymore. life just works in such a flow where karma is good, because i surround myself with good things and i reach the street i intend to cross right when the light turns red or when the last car passes. Thats more simple. To more advanced observations like being so comfortable with myself ive even gotten compliments that i look better and its not something anyone can pinpoint. Its my vibes, i assume. My complete comfort and person as i was always meant to be is now showing as a very charismatic strong individual.

I've been shifting a lot recently though, in order to add balance to the strong character of today, because even though i dont realize it i know it requires a lot of energy for me, especially after recently recovering from what i used to be. Taking on who i am today and understanding everypart of it and removing who i was as even an option is straining and so i intend to try to give myself as much alone time as possible.. like working a motor that doesnt know when its overheating. Im trying to milk this period of my life as much as possible before the next chapter of my life comes around.

I've had dreams of that coming soon, first it starts with the sleepless nights. then the stress piles up from just still being  alive....or idk what it is. I can never be completely satisfied with what i have, especially after fighting so hard to even get another chance. Karma, i know youre still a large presence in my life. I dreamed that one day im going to wake up and feel exactly the same about myself, believe that everything will flow and that life is good but nothing will flow, and nothing will work my way, and then i once again lose everything in one fell swoop. I have a stable job and a gf which gives me stability but nightmares of one day where something can come right up from under my feet haunt me... I guess thats the root of my uneasiness. Its the lack of belief in self, the lack of believing that i moved away from such social awkwardness and that things would actually work in a progression from now on. Thats why i try not to strain myself too much, in fear of this.

Excuse my digression, in order to create balance though i of course do it the only way i know of it, by changing my music selection. Before i partied so much i made myself happy and then i stopped depending on that lifestyle. Now i depend on work and my girl.

The song of the night though is Colour for a rebel- road trip. Maybe youll understand where im going with this whole thing just by listening to the damn song.

Anxiety, why do i have it? Psychopath. really? probably. Probably not. now im talking to myself on my blog. fuck it all to hell trying to figure out this source of stress is going to cause more stress and just... woosahh..like my previous post i now have the option to let the feeling go. sure ill feel it again in the future, maybe another late night but its only once every week right now. if i can stop it from happening that once then i should do it instead of wondering how to fix it. there is nothing to fix. Dont pull up those fucking roots thomas. and stopping it once would make my life happier because ill be surrounded by what makes me happy more so than if i once again, intended to try to figure out what my head is telling me which usually goes around and around in circles, just to throw up 10 new questions with no definitive answer and then id have to meditate which i fucking refuse to.

Life, its hard. but all this nonsense is getting me tired. goodnight world.

My life after everything, but before everything else

There was always a period of time where i would lay sleepless. Dazed and lost in thought for hours on end. Before it would be filled with mindful play and puzzles about life, love, and well, how this world ticks. Now i just lay there with an empty mind, wondering when id be tired enough. New change is on its way but for some reason i will never be use to this process. As i lay still though i noticed that as this dead tree grows i find it, myself, reaching towards something no longer obtainable, nor no longer wanted. But the roots are fixed so these branches grow in such a fashion the center of the branches of which ive became are all centered around where my roots once dug. what a spiteful cycle life makes.

Now as the tree is much older, and larger, the roots are deeper and the tree is an elder, i am impossible to waver. To make this metaphor more practical, these sleepless nights always followed with vivid dreams, that would only come after a sleepless night. Full of the subconscious i once was able to access but cant no longer. I see my ambitions, my worries, my sorrows, my joyest moments and lustful moments and hateful moments. I see what roads i have to choose from as i begin to wake and as i sleep, i lavish in this luxury of the knowing. I would only have these sleepless nights when my mind needs to realize something i cannot any longer, because the gap between the depth of my roots and the height of my branches are too great. Everyday leads me further away from what i once was and who i am now and these differences which create ripples in my life are what cause these restless nights. Do i want to know and try to pull up the roots once again or do i look forward and let these ripples, be like the wind against an old tree, powerless. Curiosity.

There is another word in ancient greek that describes my unique situation. This word is psyche-pathos the literal translation is "soul/mind"- "suffering". In modern tongue it would be well known as psychopath.

Psychopathy  from the Ancient Greek ψυχή "psyche", -soul, mind and πάθος, "pathos" -suffering, disease, condition is a personality disorder that has been variously described as characterized by shallow emotions (in particular reduced fear), stress tolerance, lacking empathy, coldheartedness, lacking guilt, egocentricity, superficial charm, manipulativeness, irresponsibility, impulsivity and antisocial behaviors such as parasitic lifestyle and criminality. There is no consensus about the symptom criteria and there are ongoing debates regarding issues such as essential features, causes, and the possibility of treatment

I was watching sherlock holmes earlier and it made me think. lets see...shallow emotions and a extremely low stress tolerance, lacking empathy, coldheartedness, lacking regret, an ego-trip, manufactured "game" which compliments very well with the ability to manipulate therefore have an ego trip, Irresponsibility or the feeling that noones time is more important than mine...an extremely impulsive nature and side effects include occasional antisocial behaviors. Sherlock holmes is considered a psychopath. All these symptoms are caused by someone that thinks too much therefore cares not about emotion at all, has a really low stress tolerance because the mind is already too filled constantly with other thoughts, and the ability to use their thoughts in an obsessive manner to figure out the world is unmatched.

Im not saying im a psychopath, nor am i saying im Sherlock Holmes. But its a royal epiphany. Its a chin rub-ber.

Maybe this is what was on my mind this whole week...can i get some sleep now?