My life after everything, but before everything else

There was always a period of time where i would lay sleepless. Dazed and lost in thought for hours on end. Before it would be filled with mindful play and puzzles about life, love, and well, how this world ticks. Now i just lay there with an empty mind, wondering when id be tired enough. New change is on its way but for some reason i will never be use to this process. As i lay still though i noticed that as this dead tree grows i find it, myself, reaching towards something no longer obtainable, nor no longer wanted. But the roots are fixed so these branches grow in such a fashion the center of the branches of which ive became are all centered around where my roots once dug. what a spiteful cycle life makes.

Now as the tree is much older, and larger, the roots are deeper and the tree is an elder, i am impossible to waver. To make this metaphor more practical, these sleepless nights always followed with vivid dreams, that would only come after a sleepless night. Full of the subconscious i once was able to access but cant no longer. I see my ambitions, my worries, my sorrows, my joyest moments and lustful moments and hateful moments. I see what roads i have to choose from as i begin to wake and as i sleep, i lavish in this luxury of the knowing. I would only have these sleepless nights when my mind needs to realize something i cannot any longer, because the gap between the depth of my roots and the height of my branches are too great. Everyday leads me further away from what i once was and who i am now and these differences which create ripples in my life are what cause these restless nights. Do i want to know and try to pull up the roots once again or do i look forward and let these ripples, be like the wind against an old tree, powerless. Curiosity.

There is another word in ancient greek that describes my unique situation. This word is psyche-pathos the literal translation is "soul/mind"- "suffering". In modern tongue it would be well known as psychopath.

Psychopathy  from the Ancient Greek ψυχή "psyche", -soul, mind and πάθος, "pathos" -suffering, disease, condition is a personality disorder that has been variously described as characterized by shallow emotions (in particular reduced fear), stress tolerance, lacking empathy, coldheartedness, lacking guilt, egocentricity, superficial charm, manipulativeness, irresponsibility, impulsivity and antisocial behaviors such as parasitic lifestyle and criminality. There is no consensus about the symptom criteria and there are ongoing debates regarding issues such as essential features, causes, and the possibility of treatment

I was watching sherlock holmes earlier and it made me think. lets see...shallow emotions and a extremely low stress tolerance, lacking empathy, coldheartedness, lacking regret, an ego-trip, manufactured "game" which compliments very well with the ability to manipulate therefore have an ego trip, Irresponsibility or the feeling that noones time is more important than mine...an extremely impulsive nature and side effects include occasional antisocial behaviors. Sherlock holmes is considered a psychopath. All these symptoms are caused by someone that thinks too much therefore cares not about emotion at all, has a really low stress tolerance because the mind is already too filled constantly with other thoughts, and the ability to use their thoughts in an obsessive manner to figure out the world is unmatched.

Im not saying im a psychopath, nor am i saying im Sherlock Holmes. But its a royal epiphany. Its a chin rub-ber.

Maybe this is what was on my mind this whole week...can i get some sleep now?