The fight goes on

The last post, brought up the daunting question of my purpose, and what im living for. I honestly haven't answered that question before, but I constantly go back to moments in my past that I can grasp as pure from time. Through songs, shows, places, people. If I was going through a chapter of my life while being exposed to that person place or thing then my mental state is fossilized into its very existence. When something of somewhere is comfortable enough for me to continue going back to and dumping my emotional state in, then it becomes somewhat an archive for my past, an emotional archive. For example, watching the show fullmetal alchemist embodies thoughts, emotions, and mental states I was in from 04 to perhaps even 09. Other things such as music from atreyu or places like the waterfront where my soul has cried once, call me emotional I don't give a shit but its poetic. What this process does to such a..thing...which is really all it is to anyone else..just something...somewhere.

As you all know, I have terrible memory for a reason, which was one of the many reasons why I continued blogging, through all the drama it has caused me. From people I showed to the mental breakdowns ive had just rereading past blogs ive had..in the past when I first began growing. The transition allowed me to collectively become the one fluid being I am today. This blog...all the other blogs without reading all the post or any of the post just looking at the wallpaper, sitting in front of the white screen-before I begin to type- as I see te title above, A flash of who typed here as well fills me up. Its a personality, an essence.

Sometimes, just sometimes, depending on which period of my life im in, by looking back on the right parts of my past, I relearn something I have already learned but incorporate it with what I know. These remarkable moments are what stray me away from religion.

Tonight, just watching half an episode of fullmetal alchemist...I was watching the show..but I was also feeling everything I felt back then, as if it was speaking directly to my heart, telling me what I used to think, and how I felt..ive watched it and rewatched it many times in the past, as if I was going back in time everytime but at h same time writing history. Its an unexplainable feeling.. leaving such a juvenile thing be because I thought it was something now of my past. And when I mean past I mean I went back on those emotions with new emotions and made something new so many times that the only way to make something else was to incorporate something entirely new. So watching it now, as if it was the past 6 years and yet, yesterday, its a very moving sensation hat cannot be explained by anyone.

I felt hope. Hope that my life will be better with no hesitation or doubt whatsoever. I felt determination. Determination to make a brighter future as if I was sure to have only one chance left. I felt, overwhelming power within self. as I connected to this series, that all I simply did was watch during random periods of my life that were most stressful. I saw the me and the reason why im most of the person I am today. Being the person I am today is indeed completely different but that hope..and determination and confidence all came from a time that only fma captured. Im closer to finding my purpose now, its not much, but when I find something in my life that will give me the same feeling as I got tonight I will know that that's what I need to go for.

Its a certain feeling of love, that I showed myself many years ago. The type of love I give to different people places and things in my life, collectively show me what is the nxt step I need to take and which is right for me. Honestly I felt love when I was watching the series, weird isn't it? I felt chemistry, that was out o this world. Not the type of chemistry that is blind and bold like with any female, but acute and spoke directly to me. Ilovemyself, truly, through and through...and it isn't until this moment where ive realized that the quote "In order to love another, you must first love yourself" sinks soo deep. I don't think its possible to ever find someone I love as much as I love myself. I feel like all my collective efforts have finally paid off, taking two steps forward and one step back everytime made me to progress slow but I knew that it paid off everytime I look back at myself and relearn something. This personal enlightenment has allowed me to really see who I am and appreciate it. and this post is just to commemorate..how awesome I am. Damn, you sexy motherfucker. Maybe one day someone can speak to your heart like you can with your past self..the simple twitch of the eye or flick of the hair to mean the world...I don't think that will be ever possible but that's how I feel about myself and I wish, quite frankly, that I would treat the ones I love better, meaning myself especially. Thomas, for everything you've been through and how you handled it, you truly deserve the best.