The feeling

Im so conflicted by inner thoughts i cant put in words..i cant tell anybody about..

I feel like im so old now..laughing at the thought that i try to meditate now..when i probably wasnt even 2 years ago the last time i actually did. I laugh because i look back at it like an escape, like a drug addict that misses the feeling of an addiction which brought complete satisfaction. But like the drug, everytime i try now i see it for what terrible things its done to my life. Its sad that something so wonderful was tainted by the miseries of my life.

Ive been trying to go to the waterfront more now or write in my journal but ive lost the will to. My head gets full of contradicting thoughts that i cant properly depict. I told you about how meditating is bad but should i now tell you about my good experiences with it recently because of my thirst for it? No, that does me no good.

this feeling of stress, is another chapter in my life. Whether ir increased due to my several attempts to meditate in the past several weeks or because of just life idk..but tonight im feeling the familiar burden that used to rest on my shoulders.

Lets shift gears away though to another more happy feeling. This feeling is the feeling i havent been grateful for. Its the feeling that i wrote about in my last post in truthofkings...well supposeably last. Its the feeling of love. The feeling that ties life together for me and allows me to see my life in more of a flow than a moment to moment progression. Ive grateful for even the most simple things such as never needing to ever stop before crossing the street anymore. life just works in such a flow where karma is good, because i surround myself with good things and i reach the street i intend to cross right when the light turns red or when the last car passes. Thats more simple. To more advanced observations like being so comfortable with myself ive even gotten compliments that i look better and its not something anyone can pinpoint. Its my vibes, i assume. My complete comfort and person as i was always meant to be is now showing as a very charismatic strong individual.

I've been shifting a lot recently though, in order to add balance to the strong character of today, because even though i dont realize it i know it requires a lot of energy for me, especially after recently recovering from what i used to be. Taking on who i am today and understanding everypart of it and removing who i was as even an option is straining and so i intend to try to give myself as much alone time as possible.. like working a motor that doesnt know when its overheating. Im trying to milk this period of my life as much as possible before the next chapter of my life comes around.

I've had dreams of that coming soon, first it starts with the sleepless nights. then the stress piles up from just still being  alive....or idk what it is. I can never be completely satisfied with what i have, especially after fighting so hard to even get another chance. Karma, i know youre still a large presence in my life. I dreamed that one day im going to wake up and feel exactly the same about myself, believe that everything will flow and that life is good but nothing will flow, and nothing will work my way, and then i once again lose everything in one fell swoop. I have a stable job and a gf which gives me stability but nightmares of one day where something can come right up from under my feet haunt me... I guess thats the root of my uneasiness. Its the lack of belief in self, the lack of believing that i moved away from such social awkwardness and that things would actually work in a progression from now on. Thats why i try not to strain myself too much, in fear of this.

Excuse my digression, in order to create balance though i of course do it the only way i know of it, by changing my music selection. Before i partied so much i made myself happy and then i stopped depending on that lifestyle. Now i depend on work and my girl.

The song of the night though is Colour for a rebel- road trip. Maybe youll understand where im going with this whole thing just by listening to the damn song.

Anxiety, why do i have it? Psychopath. really? probably. Probably not. now im talking to myself on my blog. fuck it all to hell trying to figure out this source of stress is going to cause more stress and just... woosahh..like my previous post i now have the option to let the feeling go. sure ill feel it again in the future, maybe another late night but its only once every week right now. if i can stop it from happening that once then i should do it instead of wondering how to fix it. there is nothing to fix. Dont pull up those fucking roots thomas. and stopping it once would make my life happier because ill be surrounded by what makes me happy more so than if i once again, intended to try to figure out what my head is telling me which usually goes around and around in circles, just to throw up 10 new questions with no definitive answer and then id have to meditate which i fucking refuse to.

Life, its hard. but all this nonsense is getting me tired. goodnight world.

My life after everything, but before everything else

There was always a period of time where i would lay sleepless. Dazed and lost in thought for hours on end. Before it would be filled with mindful play and puzzles about life, love, and well, how this world ticks. Now i just lay there with an empty mind, wondering when id be tired enough. New change is on its way but for some reason i will never be use to this process. As i lay still though i noticed that as this dead tree grows i find it, myself, reaching towards something no longer obtainable, nor no longer wanted. But the roots are fixed so these branches grow in such a fashion the center of the branches of which ive became are all centered around where my roots once dug. what a spiteful cycle life makes.

Now as the tree is much older, and larger, the roots are deeper and the tree is an elder, i am impossible to waver. To make this metaphor more practical, these sleepless nights always followed with vivid dreams, that would only come after a sleepless night. Full of the subconscious i once was able to access but cant no longer. I see my ambitions, my worries, my sorrows, my joyest moments and lustful moments and hateful moments. I see what roads i have to choose from as i begin to wake and as i sleep, i lavish in this luxury of the knowing. I would only have these sleepless nights when my mind needs to realize something i cannot any longer, because the gap between the depth of my roots and the height of my branches are too great. Everyday leads me further away from what i once was and who i am now and these differences which create ripples in my life are what cause these restless nights. Do i want to know and try to pull up the roots once again or do i look forward and let these ripples, be like the wind against an old tree, powerless. Curiosity.

There is another word in ancient greek that describes my unique situation. This word is psyche-pathos the literal translation is "soul/mind"- "suffering". In modern tongue it would be well known as psychopath.

Psychopathy  from the Ancient Greek ψυχή "psyche", -soul, mind and πάθος, "pathos" -suffering, disease, condition is a personality disorder that has been variously described as characterized by shallow emotions (in particular reduced fear), stress tolerance, lacking empathy, coldheartedness, lacking guilt, egocentricity, superficial charm, manipulativeness, irresponsibility, impulsivity and antisocial behaviors such as parasitic lifestyle and criminality. There is no consensus about the symptom criteria and there are ongoing debates regarding issues such as essential features, causes, and the possibility of treatment

I was watching sherlock holmes earlier and it made me think. lets see...shallow emotions and a extremely low stress tolerance, lacking empathy, coldheartedness, lacking regret, an ego-trip, manufactured "game" which compliments very well with the ability to manipulate therefore have an ego trip, Irresponsibility or the feeling that noones time is more important than mine...an extremely impulsive nature and side effects include occasional antisocial behaviors. Sherlock holmes is considered a psychopath. All these symptoms are caused by someone that thinks too much therefore cares not about emotion at all, has a really low stress tolerance because the mind is already too filled constantly with other thoughts, and the ability to use their thoughts in an obsessive manner to figure out the world is unmatched.

Im not saying im a psychopath, nor am i saying im Sherlock Holmes. But its a royal epiphany. Its a chin rub-ber.

Maybe this is what was on my mind this whole week...can i get some sleep now?

Adaptation

Adaptation has to be one of the most important skills to have in life. Its what makes life keep growing and as i socialize and continue to work in such a diverse workplace i learn more and more than my adaption skills are honestly one of a kind, and it makes people confused unless they are simply as open minded as me. But even being open minded cannot give you these adaptational skills. It was through my past and meditation as i picked apart everyone and myself and how different people act and talk and body language and decisions that i understood even part of it. then i had to take it all and understand, so who am i? I am everyone but i am noone.

It wasnt until recently, like..the past month where i truely became who i always wanted to be..me. Im comfortable with exactly who i am and i dont ever want to change it unless like before, i am aware of it. The great thing is, I will be! I've observed my behavior at work versus at the bar and versus with certain networks and its mindblowing to me how i can simply adapt so well. Whether it be hanging with ex cons talking about how niggas used to kill if you dont pass your kicks to extreme gnarly longboarder to hey, can you stop being so loud? im trying to sit here in peace and just do that for the next couple hours to completely professional then completely childish! and its all under command. Before i used to blend the wrong body languages with the wrong tones at the wrong time but now im just...going with the flow.

Ive been getting alot of very intense dreams lately where im completely in control and i feel pressured and theres alot of senses going on..I recall there was one dream last night where my sisters were trying to force me to jump off the roof of my old house..and i was like Are you fucking nuts?! thats two stories up! and my sister was like come on!! itll be funn! and she did it and stood right back up...and i was so scared but i wanted to do it..thats how i am when i feel fear. These dreams are not only letting me be mentally conscious but emotionally as well, and its a completely different level of lucid dreaming. I just looked up what it means to have a roof in a dream and i read this

Roof: Seeing a roof in your dream represents that you have a mind block up between your unconscious and conscious. You do not want your waking state to be mixed with your dreaming state. You should let your dreams express your feelings, do not be afraid of your unconscious. 

If you are on top of a roof it means you are going to be victorious. However, if you fall off then you are not guaranteed to achieve your goals if you do not find proper grounding. If you are fixing your roof it means you are preparing yourself to do better.

But what if i was forced to jump off the roof? >< thats not a good sign at all. And you know what? i do have a block between my conscious and unconscious i guess, but i want to keep it at that. I also had another nightmare about the gremlin recently. I dont remember the dream but the feeling i get when i look into his eyes still haunts me. As if im looking into hell, and its like im looking directly at every weakness i have. I dont remember any other dream but thinking about the emotion i get when i see the gremlin brings a shiver up and down my spine.

To further adaptation though, i talk to customers for sometimes hours at a time and there was this one lady and man that talked to me for 2 hours. She ended the conversation with the greatest compliment ever. To be a people person and have individuality and enjoy time alone is a social adeptness that creates limitless opportunities for a human mind to prosper and you have that characteristic, im a pyschologist and i can tell you that you are the new generation of genius and i know you will have a great future ahead of you. But then i thought immediately afterward, so this is adaptation...and what she doesnt know is within my individuality there are complexities that blend in perfect unison as well such as emotion and reason. while the people person side of me can actually not only understand your needs but how to manipulate it. so does that mean instead of the top 10% im the top 5%?

I've been thinking alot about the idea of vibes as well. Auras. My alertness has heightened as i continue to become more comfortable with myself. There are some days when time seems to slow i feel more tired, during those days i see rather vivid auras. Just two days ago i felt such a strong kill intent in the air i took off my headphones and uncapped my pen as i walked into the subway system. 10 mins later i find out there were several incidences of jumpings in a 2-3 block radius. I was surprised to find that for once my senses were able to detect that, something so ambiguous.Along with mental stability, soul/energy stability, ive also achieved a physical stabilty. I wiped out hard 3 days ago...and couldnt even pick up my bag with just a nametag in it, weighed less than a pound. My arm was fucked up cause i thing i twisted it. Amazingly i have full functionality of my hand and most of my wrist and elbow after 3 days! Only at certain angles does my elbow throw out this spiking pain that shoots straight down to my hand but i was helping my friend move in today and it was working fairly well! for once i actually extended it all the way with weight on it! amazing how fast my body is healing...

There was also this thought in my head, that ive been meaning to put out for a while. I have the people friendlyness of abel but the sweetness and short temper of sonny...These two guys i thought i could never match when it comes to personality and game and yet i realize very well now that i am actually mediating both of them.

Recently i also finally got the balls to talk to my dad man to man. I told him everything from why i have a girlfriend to why im smoking and who i am and who i see him as. We talked like real men and i told him "dad i want to sit down with you and enjoy a beer with you laughing, not coming home feeling like im at a job cause i have to listen to everything im not actually doing wrong but i am to you, thats so boss vs employee like" we even talked about that time he disowned me. and he responded as so, "thomas, a dad and a son should always be the closest bond in the family and im very proud of you, you became the man i wanted you to be on your own, i understand your burdens." Ive never been more happy. I think thats the perfect way to end this post. Dad, im going to become a man soon, i promise.

Growth

The long awaited first post. Everytime i think of posting now three things come into mind. The first is how i feel right before i posting. Its the completely clearly of body and mind as the thoughts are emptied out into the paper, and for as long as i can type, my mind and body is released from any of these burdens. The second is the feeling after, which is negative. Its the feeling that ive just evaluated myself therefore i need to change. Its the effects written words have on me, which are always so much more powerful than they should be. So much for sticks and stones huh? Any change for me via blog is usually bad because it leaves me in a confused state because these changes did not happen naturally, they happen like every other lesson in my life, dramaticly and out of my body and mind, as if its a lesson taught by someone else instead of something i naturally learned. Its unfimilar, and distant to me but somehow the most personal thing i can ever produce. The third is during, which is the most fluid feeling. Such as now i feel as if im talking to someone, but its unlike any person in my life. Now that ive tried journaling and failing quite a bit ive realized i missed the hypothetical audience that sits there quietly and reads my thoughts without a response...This drives me to think im losing the alpha confidence i once had when i first made this blog.

As i stare at my tattoo, and stare at it some more..and share it more..Its ironic to find that im going in circles without noticing. This tree...whether irs growing or not...its dead. Theres no leaves.. Theres no happy sun. Its dark. But under the cover of what was me for the happiest period of my life, naive from understanding and subconscious. I believe i was driven towards this tree because its so...yang. In the end its so dark. No matter how positive i am, im still fascinated not by the object but memorized by the ambiguous nature of the shadow which the object creates. That is one way to see the positive from negative.

Let me elaborate on the happiest period of my life. There was a period inbetween my last blog and this post where i refused to blog, and refused to think of anything besides whats in front of me. For some reason ive been itching to blog and going in late to work, not feeling actually like a part of the team, and having back to back arguments with a significant other has clouded clarity. It was only a matter of time. Ill fix everything.

Along with my lack of stress i was able to feel growth externally through experience without the mind. I was living a dramafree life. andd i lost my zen lol TTYL! fun post though...must finish.

Shall we begin?

There is so much to say! but i apparently cant write a new blog, ive been journalling instead and looking at my awesome writing before. I wonder why.. I wanted to write so much but now it all escapes me.

This Crazy Obsession

I Have this crazy obsession with trees now, why? because im getting a tattoo of trees! should be cool let me test out the font size and font color and positioning to see if i need to tweet anything in the html!

TestingTestingTestingTestingTestingTestingTestingTestingTestingTestingTesting..!!??()

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