Hello sgain blog of 3am, we seem to have this very interesting bond, haha. I've been lacking sleep lately, functioning on only couple or several hours of sleep, thinking. Or trying to think but enjoying my empty mind now, sounds like something my present self would be grateful for. haha but I just had a royal epiphany that literally had me sit up in bed and begin typing. Who am I. I can finally grasp it and understand the person I am. Through my past, through my recent encounters from people of my past and very interesting conversations with sam trang and I together. Three minds that think entirely independently and more than welcome to ask why..and last but not least the characters im most drawn to today as idols: ironman, rick grimmes from the walking dead, and Frank Underwood from house of cards.
Lets hit each of these points one by one and ill show you how my mind connected the dots in a snap and made me jump out of my bed, this is going to be interesting.
First will be my past. If you don't know my past, before this blog then just give up, you don't know me so ill tell you. lol. There was once a man that first endured because he needed to, then he became a man that wanted to then after he didn't need to endure anymore he misses it. This concept, viewing in from a third person perspective created a man that created a reason, to endure. Which is truly the basis behind the man ive become. Just the simple notion that the stress, whatever stress I endured, its not about it. Its the result of it, and the result of such intense stress should have gave me a giant hint when it comes to understanding the person I am.(mind you I did take into account how interesting it is for me to react to stress the way I did, if this was a book itd consider it amazing characterization) Well, I was never looking for the answer adamantly until recently when I needed a reason, a way to predict myself and my mistakes and my movements, to take everything and embody it, In something so complex yet simple that it will solve everything. In my first blog, R0SE5, this concept would be better described as essences, to define a person and their being not completely but perfectly in your own context, many would call that a vibe. But in many ways a vibe is ambiguous and well, like I sad before, defined in your own context. No, an essence, grasping it feels a lot like when you completely understand a formula, or a math equation for the first time. The complete understanding of how to define it and derive it as well as manipulate it to become anything in one very moment. That very moment empowers me to take moments much like that one to combine it with others and define the being I am today in the most simple way. And this very skill I use to understand and meticulously articulate the solution at hand can only come from a man that has endured far more than yours can conceive, of course, humbly.
Now the people in my past consisted of several: Emily, Thomas, moses, my girl, and in one way shape or form; everyone else in my life. This includes sam and trang as well especially, Because as we were discussing just matters of the mind and just, how the world works. We began with discussions such as what is the difference between friends and acquaintances? How could you take philosophy and use it in a practical sense to discuss the most fundamental parts of human social construct that many people would just simply do? That is the difference between me, sam, and trang and the rest of the world, so I feel. We can openly antagonize the world we live in without being burdened and feeling as if the questions are too grand for understanding, because nothing is, once you choose to live with a open mind. We then got into understanding the different people that are around us in a group that's been existing since I first got to northeastern. That come and sit around me everyday at the same table without a need to ask if a seat is open. Friends, acquaintances, whatever I would choose to define them as, and in no way should you feel to take that offensively, because I feel as if I learned more about them because of the same technique I was using earlier and emboding people into an essence...a type of person. While in this conversation sam brought up the interesting idea that he hates when people embodies him into anything by saying "oh that's sam" or "that's such a sam thing to do". He said its because once hes been defined then regardless of the type of person he is, it will always be just sam, theres no progress seen or changes made and theres no surprise. I used tht and reflected upon myself and kinda laughed, because this is exactly why I wrote the blogpost before titled adaptation. (I think I also knew subconsciously that when I could find a way to define myself It still wouldn't help anyone else understand exactly who I am except for me) By adapting to any environment I can never feel as if im any one person. Its the exact conversation ive had with sam before. Me and him are so analytical and reasonable we can evaluate the situation a hand very quickly and adapt, I much more than him I guess due to the social skills that ive claimed over the pass years. So from there I got another hint, but the funny thing is we were left in a whirlwind of confusion of defining who we are and what we want due to the reasoning in this very discussion of adaption. One cant be anyone if they understand anything and mold into it.
Last but not least, the actor's characters im drawn to, the people that's sole job is to embody an essence of a fictional being and displaying characteristics that are not just in the script. Im honestly not interested in the acting skill persay, (though I am very impressed by each of them) theyre characters are all similar in one way. And after watching house of cards all night, its when the epiphany hit me lol. The B student might watch all these shows and understand each of these characters as leaders, dominate figures and yes, that is what comes with the package. But the thing that ties me and all these characters together is the idea that were all survivors. We are obsessed about life and we feel like were constantly in the gap of life and death. So passionate to the point where some things may come off as completely reckless to viewers but no, were still on our own turf. Its interesting when you look at it from that perspective then sit back and see each characters life, then mine, and how we all are so desperately trying to keep out neck out of the water but doing so like scientist deeply focusing on a dissected creature. But yet, we all do it in our own ways. The only difference between me and all these characters is they have found theyre purpose, that's how they became the character they are and fight for the lives they want. I am just high on understanding life itself, there is no purpose and no calling for me yet. everything and everyone is a pattern and a riddle.
This idea that im a survivor would explain my recklessness, my usage of knowledge and need to understand my surroundings at all times, my adeptness in adaptation and socializing, and lastly, the need for a moment to myself. If a man always feels like hes fighting against some current he needs a moment or two to himself every so often. I feel like with these skills under my belt I can succeed any battle or storm except for my own. but now the real question that keeps me up at night is, Whats my battle?
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Happy new years!/ my existance
Okay, so shit this has been a long overdue blog post but hello self. This is your space cadet speaking, we are stable in orbit. Haha I need to get my shit together! It feels great to read past post thought! Its so revitalizing and motivating because its like, hey! That was me exactly a year ago!... oh...I was in a world of shit. Haha no kidding right? Well good news is I went back to my old new years post and saw my resolutions...and its funny how I could say I fixed 3 or 4 of them out of 7 NOT BAD TOM not bad Obama face. Haha well, I ay 3 or 4 cause I can't quite say that I fixed my sleeping schedule cause well..here I am! 6 in the morning with work at noon. Fml lol.but I have fixed my sleeping schedule. I haven't been late to work in a really long time. Sure not energized every single time, but I'm there and I wake up and it feels great. Cause I sleep too! Haha other new years resolutions I've achieved is well, of course getting a gf, happily together for omg! Almost 6 months! And that would make it 10 months actually if you include the intense dating for 4 months...not bad Thomas not bad. Then I kept my head up...matter of fact I'm more confident about who I am than I've ever been in my life, freaking awesome. And last but certainly not least, is well, Thomas from a year ago, I do not think about death anymore so give yourself a pat on the back. Haha
Essentially I really grew mentally and inward, typical me. I'm still trying to figure out if I was even in school a year ago...I'd be really disappointed in myself if I wasn't.. but yeah fick Thomas before we catch up let's create a new time capsule shall we? It seems like 7 isn't a hard number of objectives so let's goo...
1) GET BACK IM SCHOOL. I swear if you even think about staying out of school for any longer I will hurt you...seriously you will read this in a year and it will hurt. So go! Stern face#
2) Work on your hygiene. I want to see teeth whitener, no more self consciousness about bad breath bad Bo or dandruff, I know I tend to cycle through the three. What?.. I sleep in a bedroom that barely fits two beds and I literally have to reach through a crack of a door in order to access my clothes in my closet. My room is a mancave.
3) Get my freakin license. Its not that hard and you know how to drive.
Edit::
Hello febuary! exactly one week ago febuary 25th I got my first tattoo. I hope you like it!, future Thomas aha. I've been trying to move forward from my last blogpost and its been hard because im stuck in a predicament that has me going in circles in my head. Apparently, my life tends to throw more complex drama at me than anyone else since im far beyond social drama....idk. But I need to only pick between two if I intend to move forward. work, relationship, and school is too much...but im not ready to make that decision yet, I don't think ahyone in my shoes would be ready to make that decision yet because school isn't just that simple, im not learning anything there..its night classes and I still owe 3 grand so, ima take my fucking sweet time.
I had more new years resolutions when I first stat=rted writing, its unfortunate that I forgot what I was going to write. I've been trying to force myself to write this whole month because I was oozing with ideas and the palet that was half eaten of inspiration. I realized blogging for me is like drinking water. My life is a maze and the only way I can leave bread crumbs to understand what would be the best way to approach things is by my blog. Looking back at who I was is no longer a burden, I don't think its been for a while now. Its just very educational and I really appreciate that. Theres not many ways for me to know who I am because everything around me is so disposable... people.. places.. memories.. pictures. When you look at it like that life gets rather depressing so instead im going o just say im going to fall back on one thing that I know to be true and that's me who I am or who I think I am.
Which brings me to the idea of distance. For the past several days ive been feeling very distant. Its not so much me being distant but me needing to be distant, and feeling distant anyways because I haven't given myself the proper time for that. It was me screaming that I need distance. I have a petpev that embodies exactly this thought. I understand why its bad that I have this petpev because when I crave for distance I crave to see everything as separate from myself, it provides a feeling of safety that can never be found anywhere, the understanding that the world around you is the chess game you play but the knowledge you obtain and the skills you aquire in head, that can never be taken away. And for me to feel that I need distance is exactly what I need during a crisis like this one, but even the slightest bit of ntervertedness I feel is wrong because I need to be one with my surroundings.
Such complexities cannot be understood by one whom has not yet tried to remove themselves. Its a feeling of confidence and it refines the character, like a establishment that they have become who they are whether or not there are any future influences, its a moment to save and progress.
Anywho what else is new, I need to have a drink. but my life has been pretty solid. im going to be living alone soon. im not sure how I feel about that anymore.
Im trying to leave this blog to be as open as possible so I can continue blogging again for next time but at the same time, finally present some closure to the past dramatic post.
lets end it here.
Essentially I really grew mentally and inward, typical me. I'm still trying to figure out if I was even in school a year ago...I'd be really disappointed in myself if I wasn't.. but yeah fick Thomas before we catch up let's create a new time capsule shall we? It seems like 7 isn't a hard number of objectives so let's goo...
1) GET BACK IM SCHOOL. I swear if you even think about staying out of school for any longer I will hurt you...seriously you will read this in a year and it will hurt. So go! Stern face#
2) Work on your hygiene. I want to see teeth whitener, no more self consciousness about bad breath bad Bo or dandruff, I know I tend to cycle through the three. What?.. I sleep in a bedroom that barely fits two beds and I literally have to reach through a crack of a door in order to access my clothes in my closet. My room is a mancave.
3) Get my freakin license. Its not that hard and you know how to drive.
Edit::
Hello febuary! exactly one week ago febuary 25th I got my first tattoo. I hope you like it!, future Thomas aha. I've been trying to move forward from my last blogpost and its been hard because im stuck in a predicament that has me going in circles in my head. Apparently, my life tends to throw more complex drama at me than anyone else since im far beyond social drama....idk. But I need to only pick between two if I intend to move forward. work, relationship, and school is too much...but im not ready to make that decision yet, I don't think ahyone in my shoes would be ready to make that decision yet because school isn't just that simple, im not learning anything there..its night classes and I still owe 3 grand so, ima take my fucking sweet time.
I had more new years resolutions when I first stat=rted writing, its unfortunate that I forgot what I was going to write. I've been trying to force myself to write this whole month because I was oozing with ideas and the palet that was half eaten of inspiration. I realized blogging for me is like drinking water. My life is a maze and the only way I can leave bread crumbs to understand what would be the best way to approach things is by my blog. Looking back at who I was is no longer a burden, I don't think its been for a while now. Its just very educational and I really appreciate that. Theres not many ways for me to know who I am because everything around me is so disposable... people.. places.. memories.. pictures. When you look at it like that life gets rather depressing so instead im going o just say im going to fall back on one thing that I know to be true and that's me who I am or who I think I am.
Which brings me to the idea of distance. For the past several days ive been feeling very distant. Its not so much me being distant but me needing to be distant, and feeling distant anyways because I haven't given myself the proper time for that. It was me screaming that I need distance. I have a petpev that embodies exactly this thought. I understand why its bad that I have this petpev because when I crave for distance I crave to see everything as separate from myself, it provides a feeling of safety that can never be found anywhere, the understanding that the world around you is the chess game you play but the knowledge you obtain and the skills you aquire in head, that can never be taken away. And for me to feel that I need distance is exactly what I need during a crisis like this one, but even the slightest bit of ntervertedness I feel is wrong because I need to be one with my surroundings.
Such complexities cannot be understood by one whom has not yet tried to remove themselves. Its a feeling of confidence and it refines the character, like a establishment that they have become who they are whether or not there are any future influences, its a moment to save and progress.
Anywho what else is new, I need to have a drink. but my life has been pretty solid. im going to be living alone soon. im not sure how I feel about that anymore.
Im trying to leave this blog to be as open as possible so I can continue blogging again for next time but at the same time, finally present some closure to the past dramatic post.
lets end it here.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Sine Wave
It seems to me that for every pull there is a push, But doesnt that create the full wavelength? A wave illustrates a displacement, but none the less it is a wave. Fluid, flowing, like a pulse. Like my life right now. A flow of displacement. Does me asking for everything to be done right require me to pursue the flat line? Wouldnt that be dull? wouldnt that be dead? There has to be friction to create progress. My mind is in a flurry cause i see that theres something wrong..i can feel it and this pulse is not beating gracefully to mine.
And like the physicist is to a sine wave, I am to my life. I tend to every point my wave intersects, every slight change in amplitude, recalculating my standard deviation, analyzing every piece of detail that makes it a wave then redefining it to what it has become, whether the full picture is now a radioactive gamma ray, or the perfect note from an instrument.. and this is how my heart beats. This isnt for the faint of heart or the ill-willed, or apathetic person. This is for the people that see the world as it is and wants to create the best wave possible. the best flow possible. In the end..
Something must be removed.
I do this for my life and i expect whoever else to be compatible with it..
Because all i ask wish for is to be compatible with you...
There is a fine line between obsession and the ambition need to create a strive worthy of meeting my expectations.
And like the physicist is to a sine wave, I am to my life. I tend to every point my wave intersects, every slight change in amplitude, recalculating my standard deviation, analyzing every piece of detail that makes it a wave then redefining it to what it has become, whether the full picture is now a radioactive gamma ray, or the perfect note from an instrument.. and this is how my heart beats. This isnt for the faint of heart or the ill-willed, or apathetic person. This is for the people that see the world as it is and wants to create the best wave possible. the best flow possible. In the end..
Something must be removed.
I do this for my life and i expect whoever else to be compatible with it..
Because all i ask wish for is to be compatible with you...
There is a fine line between obsession and the ambition need to create a strive worthy of meeting my expectations.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Changing the Prophecy
Ever since the last post, slowly, ive been losing my wanting to sleep. But its not because of a massive change anymore, something tells me nothing will happen anymore to such a caliber, ive grown beyond that and if anything im more simple. I just have something on my mind thats been bothering me. This time its the thing i thought would happen that eats me up because it didn't, what a bitch. I used to get off on those stressful times where such a huge change would happen that id change entirely, itll make me feel like i had a purpose, and unlimited potential. Instead of the spikes now im progressing in a more linear manner. Hey, im not complaining, i finally got what i asked for, consistently..somewhere to kick up my legs and just be myself. but where does this lead me in the future, would this linear path allow me to mature and grow fast enough to allow me to reach my expectations and the potential that i know i am mentally prepared for?
The prophecy stated that i could never land a girlfriend, that i couldnt get a girl even if i tried. Now i have a girlfriend and gotten multiple friends laid multiple times and ive gotten back at all the girls that fucked with me in the past. My prophecy told me i could never do better but now im using my knowledge in the best way i know fit. I use my people skills and focus to make legitimate sales. The prophecy said id live in a ditch alone, because of my differences in beliefs and philosophy. Ive met so many people that agree with me and i feel so much more mature for my age than any because i can finally move away from people that dont see me as fitting. And the most impactful to me was that for a long period of time i actually thought my life would literally end after the age of 19..and well it did...in a dream (you can read about it in a blogpost if you look for it). I was scared, my skill set was not applicable to the world we live in today but like usual i adapt, and still working at it.
The only thing i havent succeeded is the thought that i wouldnt be able to graduate college and you know what? fuck everyone that doesnt believe in me. I know this is not true. I will finish and once i do everything will just fall in place so right..I've started preparing for it already..school is actually the last thing i need to finish. because you can never have too much of it, but am i ready for it right now? no. Will i be scared of being alone in the course of the next year because all my friends are graduating? Maybe. But you know what? Im going to succeed. And i believe it to be true and so fuck everyone else, friends are longlasting im glad they can leave and pursue theyre lives but i honestly dont mind taking my time. I might regret this in the future, but ive seen alot more people regret not being financially stable than not graduating on time. True story.
Confidence is key, making sure i am in control of everything i do is key. Motivational speeches are awesome! so are twinkies!
Im working on a lot right now. the load is light but the journey is long and i need to pace myself while exercising my strength to carry more. That is why im excited to move out and live alone in 2-3 months! am i ready for it? FUCK NO! do i give a shit? NOT AT ALL! i know theres going to be a lot more pros than cons if i adapt and live with it.
I miss blogging though, Ive had so many inspirational moments in the past that just slipped out of my hands after i touched a keyboard or held a pen. On a more casual level, hows my life been? I need to work out again, this last of physical activity isnt cutting out for me. Ive been biking a shit ton to balance things out but that isnt enough. I have too much pent up testosterone and i can tell. The level my confidence peeks its like screaming help me! i need to work out so i can be like old humble self again instead of being the small dog with a big bark. I enjoy the peeks but itll be much more consistant and controlled if i actually was fit and felt physically and mentally accomplished.
I definitely want to get into longboarding again, idk how long i intend to keep longboarding in my life, especially after my last wipeout but i miss it, i really do and i wish i could keep doing it. maybe when i have enough money..I can never have too much..
My work life is fun, but im feeling the strain of consistancy. Its hard for a man like me to do and say the same shit 100 times for every single day i work but i need to get use to it. This is a life of a grown up. hopefully i can move up the coperate ladder or, even better, actually go international and do what i dreamed of doing ever since i was in highschool which is go build some fucking robots and be smart enough to be genius innovator.
Its funny how all of this was possible because of a girlfriend..well goodnight! and have fun :]
The prophecy stated that i could never land a girlfriend, that i couldnt get a girl even if i tried. Now i have a girlfriend and gotten multiple friends laid multiple times and ive gotten back at all the girls that fucked with me in the past. My prophecy told me i could never do better but now im using my knowledge in the best way i know fit. I use my people skills and focus to make legitimate sales. The prophecy said id live in a ditch alone, because of my differences in beliefs and philosophy. Ive met so many people that agree with me and i feel so much more mature for my age than any because i can finally move away from people that dont see me as fitting. And the most impactful to me was that for a long period of time i actually thought my life would literally end after the age of 19..and well it did...in a dream (you can read about it in a blogpost if you look for it). I was scared, my skill set was not applicable to the world we live in today but like usual i adapt, and still working at it.
The only thing i havent succeeded is the thought that i wouldnt be able to graduate college and you know what? fuck everyone that doesnt believe in me. I know this is not true. I will finish and once i do everything will just fall in place so right..I've started preparing for it already..school is actually the last thing i need to finish. because you can never have too much of it, but am i ready for it right now? no. Will i be scared of being alone in the course of the next year because all my friends are graduating? Maybe. But you know what? Im going to succeed. And i believe it to be true and so fuck everyone else, friends are longlasting im glad they can leave and pursue theyre lives but i honestly dont mind taking my time. I might regret this in the future, but ive seen alot more people regret not being financially stable than not graduating on time. True story.
Confidence is key, making sure i am in control of everything i do is key. Motivational speeches are awesome! so are twinkies!
Im working on a lot right now. the load is light but the journey is long and i need to pace myself while exercising my strength to carry more. That is why im excited to move out and live alone in 2-3 months! am i ready for it? FUCK NO! do i give a shit? NOT AT ALL! i know theres going to be a lot more pros than cons if i adapt and live with it.
I miss blogging though, Ive had so many inspirational moments in the past that just slipped out of my hands after i touched a keyboard or held a pen. On a more casual level, hows my life been? I need to work out again, this last of physical activity isnt cutting out for me. Ive been biking a shit ton to balance things out but that isnt enough. I have too much pent up testosterone and i can tell. The level my confidence peeks its like screaming help me! i need to work out so i can be like old humble self again instead of being the small dog with a big bark. I enjoy the peeks but itll be much more consistant and controlled if i actually was fit and felt physically and mentally accomplished.
I definitely want to get into longboarding again, idk how long i intend to keep longboarding in my life, especially after my last wipeout but i miss it, i really do and i wish i could keep doing it. maybe when i have enough money..I can never have too much..
My work life is fun, but im feeling the strain of consistancy. Its hard for a man like me to do and say the same shit 100 times for every single day i work but i need to get use to it. This is a life of a grown up. hopefully i can move up the coperate ladder or, even better, actually go international and do what i dreamed of doing ever since i was in highschool which is go build some fucking robots and be smart enough to be genius innovator.
Its funny how all of this was possible because of a girlfriend..well goodnight! and have fun :]
Thursday, October 18, 2012
The feeling
Im so conflicted by inner thoughts i cant put in words..i cant tell anybody about..
I feel like im so old now..laughing at the thought that i try to meditate now..when i probably wasnt even 2 years ago the last time i actually did. I laugh because i look back at it like an escape, like a drug addict that misses the feeling of an addiction which brought complete satisfaction. But like the drug, everytime i try now i see it for what terrible things its done to my life. Its sad that something so wonderful was tainted by the miseries of my life.
Ive been trying to go to the waterfront more now or write in my journal but ive lost the will to. My head gets full of contradicting thoughts that i cant properly depict. I told you about how meditating is bad but should i now tell you about my good experiences with it recently because of my thirst for it? No, that does me no good.
this feeling of stress, is another chapter in my life. Whether ir increased due to my several attempts to meditate in the past several weeks or because of just life idk..but tonight im feeling the familiar burden that used to rest on my shoulders.
Lets shift gears away though to another more happy feeling. This feeling is the feeling i havent been grateful for. Its the feeling that i wrote about in my last post in truthofkings...well supposeably last. Its the feeling of love. The feeling that ties life together for me and allows me to see my life in more of a flow than a moment to moment progression. Ive grateful for even the most simple things such as never needing to ever stop before crossing the street anymore. life just works in such a flow where karma is good, because i surround myself with good things and i reach the street i intend to cross right when the light turns red or when the last car passes. Thats more simple. To more advanced observations like being so comfortable with myself ive even gotten compliments that i look better and its not something anyone can pinpoint. Its my vibes, i assume. My complete comfort and person as i was always meant to be is now showing as a very charismatic strong individual.
I've been shifting a lot recently though, in order to add balance to the strong character of today, because even though i dont realize it i know it requires a lot of energy for me, especially after recently recovering from what i used to be. Taking on who i am today and understanding everypart of it and removing who i was as even an option is straining and so i intend to try to give myself as much alone time as possible.. like working a motor that doesnt know when its overheating. Im trying to milk this period of my life as much as possible before the next chapter of my life comes around.
I've had dreams of that coming soon, first it starts with the sleepless nights. then the stress piles up from just still being alive....or idk what it is. I can never be completely satisfied with what i have, especially after fighting so hard to even get another chance. Karma, i know youre still a large presence in my life. I dreamed that one day im going to wake up and feel exactly the same about myself, believe that everything will flow and that life is good but nothing will flow, and nothing will work my way, and then i once again lose everything in one fell swoop. I have a stable job and a gf which gives me stability but nightmares of one day where something can come right up from under my feet haunt me... I guess thats the root of my uneasiness. Its the lack of belief in self, the lack of believing that i moved away from such social awkwardness and that things would actually work in a progression from now on. Thats why i try not to strain myself too much, in fear of this.
Excuse my digression, in order to create balance though i of course do it the only way i know of it, by changing my music selection. Before i partied so much i made myself happy and then i stopped depending on that lifestyle. Now i depend on work and my girl.
The song of the night though is Colour for a rebel- road trip. Maybe youll understand where im going with this whole thing just by listening to the damn song.
Anxiety, why do i have it? Psychopath. really? probably. Probably not. now im talking to myself on my blog. fuck it all to hell trying to figure out this source of stress is going to cause more stress and just... woosahh..like my previous post i now have the option to let the feeling go. sure ill feel it again in the future, maybe another late night but its only once every week right now. if i can stop it from happening that once then i should do it instead of wondering how to fix it. there is nothing to fix. Dont pull up those fucking roots thomas. and stopping it once would make my life happier because ill be surrounded by what makes me happy more so than if i once again, intended to try to figure out what my head is telling me which usually goes around and around in circles, just to throw up 10 new questions with no definitive answer and then id have to meditate which i fucking refuse to.
Life, its hard. but all this nonsense is getting me tired. goodnight world.
I feel like im so old now..laughing at the thought that i try to meditate now..when i probably wasnt even 2 years ago the last time i actually did. I laugh because i look back at it like an escape, like a drug addict that misses the feeling of an addiction which brought complete satisfaction. But like the drug, everytime i try now i see it for what terrible things its done to my life. Its sad that something so wonderful was tainted by the miseries of my life.
Ive been trying to go to the waterfront more now or write in my journal but ive lost the will to. My head gets full of contradicting thoughts that i cant properly depict. I told you about how meditating is bad but should i now tell you about my good experiences with it recently because of my thirst for it? No, that does me no good.
this feeling of stress, is another chapter in my life. Whether ir increased due to my several attempts to meditate in the past several weeks or because of just life idk..but tonight im feeling the familiar burden that used to rest on my shoulders.
Lets shift gears away though to another more happy feeling. This feeling is the feeling i havent been grateful for. Its the feeling that i wrote about in my last post in truthofkings...well supposeably last. Its the feeling of love. The feeling that ties life together for me and allows me to see my life in more of a flow than a moment to moment progression. Ive grateful for even the most simple things such as never needing to ever stop before crossing the street anymore. life just works in such a flow where karma is good, because i surround myself with good things and i reach the street i intend to cross right when the light turns red or when the last car passes. Thats more simple. To more advanced observations like being so comfortable with myself ive even gotten compliments that i look better and its not something anyone can pinpoint. Its my vibes, i assume. My complete comfort and person as i was always meant to be is now showing as a very charismatic strong individual.
I've been shifting a lot recently though, in order to add balance to the strong character of today, because even though i dont realize it i know it requires a lot of energy for me, especially after recently recovering from what i used to be. Taking on who i am today and understanding everypart of it and removing who i was as even an option is straining and so i intend to try to give myself as much alone time as possible.. like working a motor that doesnt know when its overheating. Im trying to milk this period of my life as much as possible before the next chapter of my life comes around.
I've had dreams of that coming soon, first it starts with the sleepless nights. then the stress piles up from just still being alive....or idk what it is. I can never be completely satisfied with what i have, especially after fighting so hard to even get another chance. Karma, i know youre still a large presence in my life. I dreamed that one day im going to wake up and feel exactly the same about myself, believe that everything will flow and that life is good but nothing will flow, and nothing will work my way, and then i once again lose everything in one fell swoop. I have a stable job and a gf which gives me stability but nightmares of one day where something can come right up from under my feet haunt me... I guess thats the root of my uneasiness. Its the lack of belief in self, the lack of believing that i moved away from such social awkwardness and that things would actually work in a progression from now on. Thats why i try not to strain myself too much, in fear of this.
Excuse my digression, in order to create balance though i of course do it the only way i know of it, by changing my music selection. Before i partied so much i made myself happy and then i stopped depending on that lifestyle. Now i depend on work and my girl.
The song of the night though is Colour for a rebel- road trip. Maybe youll understand where im going with this whole thing just by listening to the damn song.
Anxiety, why do i have it? Psychopath. really? probably. Probably not. now im talking to myself on my blog. fuck it all to hell trying to figure out this source of stress is going to cause more stress and just... woosahh..like my previous post i now have the option to let the feeling go. sure ill feel it again in the future, maybe another late night but its only once every week right now. if i can stop it from happening that once then i should do it instead of wondering how to fix it. there is nothing to fix. Dont pull up those fucking roots thomas. and stopping it once would make my life happier because ill be surrounded by what makes me happy more so than if i once again, intended to try to figure out what my head is telling me which usually goes around and around in circles, just to throw up 10 new questions with no definitive answer and then id have to meditate which i fucking refuse to.
Life, its hard. but all this nonsense is getting me tired. goodnight world.
Friday, October 5, 2012
My life after everything, but before everything else
There was always a period of time where i would lay sleepless. Dazed and lost in thought for hours on end. Before it would be filled with mindful play and puzzles about life, love, and well, how this world ticks. Now i just lay there with an empty mind, wondering when id be tired enough. New change is on its way but for some reason i will never be use to this process. As i lay still though i noticed that as this dead tree grows i find it, myself, reaching towards something no longer obtainable, nor no longer wanted. But the roots are fixed so these branches grow in such a fashion the center of the branches of which ive became are all centered around where my roots once dug. what a spiteful cycle life makes.
Now as the tree is much older, and larger, the roots are deeper and the tree is an elder, i am impossible to waver. To make this metaphor more practical, these sleepless nights always followed with vivid dreams, that would only come after a sleepless night. Full of the subconscious i once was able to access but cant no longer. I see my ambitions, my worries, my sorrows, my joyest moments and lustful moments and hateful moments. I see what roads i have to choose from as i begin to wake and as i sleep, i lavish in this luxury of the knowing. I would only have these sleepless nights when my mind needs to realize something i cannot any longer, because the gap between the depth of my roots and the height of my branches are too great. Everyday leads me further away from what i once was and who i am now and these differences which create ripples in my life are what cause these restless nights. Do i want to know and try to pull up the roots once again or do i look forward and let these ripples, be like the wind against an old tree, powerless. Curiosity.
There is another word in ancient greek that describes my unique situation. This word is psyche-pathos the literal translation is "soul/mind"- "suffering". In modern tongue it would be well known as psychopath.
I was watching sherlock holmes earlier and it made me think. lets see...shallow emotions and a extremely low stress tolerance, lacking empathy, coldheartedness, lacking regret, an ego-trip, manufactured "game" which compliments very well with the ability to manipulate therefore have an ego trip, Irresponsibility or the feeling that noones time is more important than mine...an extremely impulsive nature and side effects include occasional antisocial behaviors. Sherlock holmes is considered a psychopath. All these symptoms are caused by someone that thinks too much therefore cares not about emotion at all, has a really low stress tolerance because the mind is already too filled constantly with other thoughts, and the ability to use their thoughts in an obsessive manner to figure out the world is unmatched.
Im not saying im a psychopath, nor am i saying im Sherlock Holmes. But its a royal epiphany. Its a chin rub-ber.
Maybe this is what was on my mind this whole week...can i get some sleep now?
Now as the tree is much older, and larger, the roots are deeper and the tree is an elder, i am impossible to waver. To make this metaphor more practical, these sleepless nights always followed with vivid dreams, that would only come after a sleepless night. Full of the subconscious i once was able to access but cant no longer. I see my ambitions, my worries, my sorrows, my joyest moments and lustful moments and hateful moments. I see what roads i have to choose from as i begin to wake and as i sleep, i lavish in this luxury of the knowing. I would only have these sleepless nights when my mind needs to realize something i cannot any longer, because the gap between the depth of my roots and the height of my branches are too great. Everyday leads me further away from what i once was and who i am now and these differences which create ripples in my life are what cause these restless nights. Do i want to know and try to pull up the roots once again or do i look forward and let these ripples, be like the wind against an old tree, powerless. Curiosity.
There is another word in ancient greek that describes my unique situation. This word is psyche-pathos the literal translation is "soul/mind"- "suffering". In modern tongue it would be well known as psychopath.
Psychopathy from the Ancient Greek ψυχή "psyche", -soul, mind and πάθος, "pathos" -suffering, disease, condition is a personality disorder that has been variously described as characterized by shallow emotions (in particular reduced fear), stress tolerance, lacking empathy, coldheartedness, lacking guilt, egocentricity, superficial charm, manipulativeness, irresponsibility, impulsivity and antisocial behaviors such as parasitic lifestyle and criminality. There is no consensus about the symptom criteria and there are ongoing debates regarding issues such as essential features, causes, and the possibility of treatment
I was watching sherlock holmes earlier and it made me think. lets see...shallow emotions and a extremely low stress tolerance, lacking empathy, coldheartedness, lacking regret, an ego-trip, manufactured "game" which compliments very well with the ability to manipulate therefore have an ego trip, Irresponsibility or the feeling that noones time is more important than mine...an extremely impulsive nature and side effects include occasional antisocial behaviors. Sherlock holmes is considered a psychopath. All these symptoms are caused by someone that thinks too much therefore cares not about emotion at all, has a really low stress tolerance because the mind is already too filled constantly with other thoughts, and the ability to use their thoughts in an obsessive manner to figure out the world is unmatched.
Im not saying im a psychopath, nor am i saying im Sherlock Holmes. But its a royal epiphany. Its a chin rub-ber.
Maybe this is what was on my mind this whole week...can i get some sleep now?
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Adaptation
Adaptation has to be one of the most important skills to have in life. Its what makes life keep growing and as i socialize and continue to work in such a diverse workplace i learn more and more than my adaption skills are honestly one of a kind, and it makes people confused unless they are simply as open minded as me. But even being open minded cannot give you these adaptational skills. It was through my past and meditation as i picked apart everyone and myself and how different people act and talk and body language and decisions that i understood even part of it. then i had to take it all and understand, so who am i? I am everyone but i am noone.
But what if i was forced to jump off the roof? >< thats not a good sign at all. And you know what? i do have a block between my conscious and unconscious i guess, but i want to keep it at that. I also had another nightmare about the gremlin recently. I dont remember the dream but the feeling i get when i look into his eyes still haunts me. As if im looking into hell, and its like im looking directly at every weakness i have. I dont remember any other dream but thinking about the emotion i get when i see the gremlin brings a shiver up and down my spine.
To further adaptation though, i talk to customers for sometimes hours at a time and there was this one lady and man that talked to me for 2 hours. She ended the conversation with the greatest compliment ever. To be a people person and have individuality and enjoy time alone is a social adeptness that creates limitless opportunities for a human mind to prosper and you have that characteristic, im a pyschologist and i can tell you that you are the new generation of genius and i know you will have a great future ahead of you. But then i thought immediately afterward, so this is adaptation...and what she doesnt know is within my individuality there are complexities that blend in perfect unison as well such as emotion and reason. while the people person side of me can actually not only understand your needs but how to manipulate it. so does that mean instead of the top 10% im the top 5%?
I've been thinking alot about the idea of vibes as well. Auras. My alertness has heightened as i continue to become more comfortable with myself. There are some days when time seems to slow i feel more tired, during those days i see rather vivid auras. Just two days ago i felt such a strong kill intent in the air i took off my headphones and uncapped my pen as i walked into the subway system. 10 mins later i find out there were several incidences of jumpings in a 2-3 block radius. I was surprised to find that for once my senses were able to detect that, something so ambiguous.Along with mental stability, soul/energy stability, ive also achieved a physical stabilty. I wiped out hard 3 days ago...and couldnt even pick up my bag with just a nametag in it, weighed less than a pound. My arm was fucked up cause i thing i twisted it. Amazingly i have full functionality of my hand and most of my wrist and elbow after 3 days! Only at certain angles does my elbow throw out this spiking pain that shoots straight down to my hand but i was helping my friend move in today and it was working fairly well! for once i actually extended it all the way with weight on it! amazing how fast my body is healing...
There was also this thought in my head, that ive been meaning to put out for a while. I have the people friendlyness of abel but the sweetness and short temper of sonny...These two guys i thought i could never match when it comes to personality and game and yet i realize very well now that i am actually mediating both of them.
Recently i also finally got the balls to talk to my dad man to man. I told him everything from why i have a girlfriend to why im smoking and who i am and who i see him as. We talked like real men and i told him "dad i want to sit down with you and enjoy a beer with you laughing, not coming home feeling like im at a job cause i have to listen to everything im not actually doing wrong but i am to you, thats so boss vs employee like" we even talked about that time he disowned me. and he responded as so, "thomas, a dad and a son should always be the closest bond in the family and im very proud of you, you became the man i wanted you to be on your own, i understand your burdens." Ive never been more happy. I think thats the perfect way to end this post. Dad, im going to become a man soon, i promise.
It wasnt until recently, like..the past month where i truely became who i always wanted to be..me. Im comfortable with exactly who i am and i dont ever want to change it unless like before, i am aware of it. The great thing is, I will be! I've observed my behavior at work versus at the bar and versus with certain networks and its mindblowing to me how i can simply adapt so well. Whether it be hanging with ex cons talking about how niggas used to kill if you dont pass your kicks to extreme gnarly longboarder to hey, can you stop being so loud? im trying to sit here in peace and just do that for the next couple hours to completely professional then completely childish! and its all under command. Before i used to blend the wrong body languages with the wrong tones at the wrong time but now im just...going with the flow.
Ive been getting alot of very intense dreams lately where im completely in control and i feel pressured and theres alot of senses going on..I recall there was one dream last night where my sisters were trying to force me to jump off the roof of my old house..and i was like Are you fucking nuts?! thats two stories up! and my sister was like come on!! itll be funn! and she did it and stood right back up...and i was so scared but i wanted to do it..thats how i am when i feel fear. These dreams are not only letting me be mentally conscious but emotionally as well, and its a completely different level of lucid dreaming. I just looked up what it means to have a roof in a dream and i read this
Roof: Seeing a roof in your dream represents that you have a mind block up between your unconscious and conscious. You do not want your waking state to be mixed with your dreaming state. You should let your dreams express your feelings, do not be afraid of your unconscious.
If you are on top of a roof it means you are going to be victorious. However, if you fall off then you are not guaranteed to achieve your goals if you do not find proper grounding. If you are fixing your roof it means you are preparing yourself to do better.
To further adaptation though, i talk to customers for sometimes hours at a time and there was this one lady and man that talked to me for 2 hours. She ended the conversation with the greatest compliment ever. To be a people person and have individuality and enjoy time alone is a social adeptness that creates limitless opportunities for a human mind to prosper and you have that characteristic, im a pyschologist and i can tell you that you are the new generation of genius and i know you will have a great future ahead of you. But then i thought immediately afterward, so this is adaptation...and what she doesnt know is within my individuality there are complexities that blend in perfect unison as well such as emotion and reason. while the people person side of me can actually not only understand your needs but how to manipulate it. so does that mean instead of the top 10% im the top 5%?
I've been thinking alot about the idea of vibes as well. Auras. My alertness has heightened as i continue to become more comfortable with myself. There are some days when time seems to slow i feel more tired, during those days i see rather vivid auras. Just two days ago i felt such a strong kill intent in the air i took off my headphones and uncapped my pen as i walked into the subway system. 10 mins later i find out there were several incidences of jumpings in a 2-3 block radius. I was surprised to find that for once my senses were able to detect that, something so ambiguous.Along with mental stability, soul/energy stability, ive also achieved a physical stabilty. I wiped out hard 3 days ago...and couldnt even pick up my bag with just a nametag in it, weighed less than a pound. My arm was fucked up cause i thing i twisted it. Amazingly i have full functionality of my hand and most of my wrist and elbow after 3 days! Only at certain angles does my elbow throw out this spiking pain that shoots straight down to my hand but i was helping my friend move in today and it was working fairly well! for once i actually extended it all the way with weight on it! amazing how fast my body is healing...
There was also this thought in my head, that ive been meaning to put out for a while. I have the people friendlyness of abel but the sweetness and short temper of sonny...These two guys i thought i could never match when it comes to personality and game and yet i realize very well now that i am actually mediating both of them.
Recently i also finally got the balls to talk to my dad man to man. I told him everything from why i have a girlfriend to why im smoking and who i am and who i see him as. We talked like real men and i told him "dad i want to sit down with you and enjoy a beer with you laughing, not coming home feeling like im at a job cause i have to listen to everything im not actually doing wrong but i am to you, thats so boss vs employee like" we even talked about that time he disowned me. and he responded as so, "thomas, a dad and a son should always be the closest bond in the family and im very proud of you, you became the man i wanted you to be on your own, i understand your burdens." Ive never been more happy. I think thats the perfect way to end this post. Dad, im going to become a man soon, i promise.
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